well I can't set my house on fire every night
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
