I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
