He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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