You're my little dorito
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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