I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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