remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
