I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
