I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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