So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
