I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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