Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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