well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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