happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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