come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I need water and some morals
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
