I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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