are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm passing your future prison.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
