It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
