I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
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