Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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