after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
