I bet he comes in French.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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