the condom got lost in my hair
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
