brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
