saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
