He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
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I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
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Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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