Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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