Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
