so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
