Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
