I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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