If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
