I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
