what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
