I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize