so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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