It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You pole danced in your parka.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
