life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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