i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think I just sharted jello shots
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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