Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
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Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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