There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
