Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
