He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
