Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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