I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
There's even glitter on my cock...
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