dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
