Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He better not be in your backpack
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
