My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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