you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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