I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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