her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
