I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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