My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
there was a trapeze. enough said
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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