got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
