i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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