Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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