According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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