You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
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